No-Master's warrant and morning coffeé.

When I woke up I knew it was later than I should have woken up, but... I had had a dream. I was all His in my head. And that dream make me lay still and wait until He'll wake up. With my hands folded over my head, and spread legs. Nothing easier, right?

As always when I have vision of our morning play everything changes so fast that there's nothing left from my idea. And that's what happened today. Firstly, when I was still dreaming, my nose started to itchy. At the beggining I decided to ignore it, but after a minute I couldn't stand it, and I scratched it. From then on, everything should have been just perfect, but... I felt small convulsions of Master. He had to have a bad dream... So I gave up my idea and make Him calm down. I huged him close and after few minutes I woke up...

Morning started from coffeé must be the best morning. I have never drunk coffeé, as it transpired, I wasn't able to make good one. Recently I set myself a goal to learn how to make and now my each day starts from coffeé. Or rather milk with coffeé.

Yesterday we'd got a small talk about maintenace day. It starts from next Saturday. Maybe I imagined it a bit in different way, but I like what He figured out. For us it would be moment, when Master will got straight my attitude. Remind me where my place is and who owns me. I'm afraid that it can be tough but I hope that my attitude to straighting attitude will be fine.

That's kind of weird that I'm quite poor about being slave and organised when Owner is at home. I'm doing definetly better when He comes home after not being in. And my subbmisive feelings are better then. I have no idea why it's working in this way, but... It is and I have to work on that.

Funny is that it's working better too, when He sleeps, lol. His presence have to distract me so much that I can't concentrate on my stuff.

Correction of pancakes-post and explanation.

Because of my To-do-list I had to write this post yesterday, because I had said I will. But... Because it was full of mistakes so I changed it a bit and add some explanation. I hope it won't be boring to read it again ;)

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It's not the first time, when I run into saying that having D/s relation take aways fights from relationship. As far as punishment doesn't take looong time to give me the lesson, I'm being spanked and that's all about the issue. We don't have to argue or fight  or blame each other with anything.

But it's not only being encounted from duties. Today's dinner was totally disaster. According to Murphy's law, everything what could go bad, went horrible. I was making pancakes and... Firstly I had minced meat for stuffing, and after that I had cleaned my food processor and put it into the cabinet totally forgotting about pancake's dough. Then I had put my pancake's paddle into dishwasher and I had turned it on so I wasn't able to turn the pancakes, then when I had tried to do something with them (during frying) by fork they had become completly devastaded. I got so angry and dispirited... Seeing my discouragement Master came and helped me with those damn pancaces. He was awsome with that! He didn't use any tool, just throwing them into the air and catch only with pan. So... Yes - he helped me. With saying help, I mean rather do it instead of me.

- You're the master of doing pancake's without pancake's paddle!

- I know <with face of 12 year old boy, who solve the problem of his own>

- And you solved the pancake-issue. And saved our dinner.

- I know <the same as higher>. But that's what I am here for. You're not the only one who is responsible for everything. There are two of us and when you are low, I am to help you.

He's so... carefull about me. Today, like on any other day, I see how much He's doing to me and how many good stuff I got, cause we had been in D/s relationship. And I'm definetly not saying about pancakes :)

I can't stand winter anymore. I mean... I love it, but every piece of my skin is sooo dry that few days ago I looked like some moronic vampire. I bite myself, but in some weir way that I got two drops of blood in opposite sides of lip. I looked like if I bite my own lips, and tried to suck my own blood off. That looked... Weird.

Desire and DD

No matter how hard I would try to explain that there is no connection between DD and sexual desire, I'm not able to prove that.

Punishment is always what it should be, but there are situations when it's more aceptable or when there doesn't exist any way to take it. In my situation it usualy depend on my desire. The more horny I am the more pleasure I'm taking from the punishment. Of course if Owner didn't took the idea of some educational punishment like daily reports, which I have already mensioned on the blog.

I don't know is there any connection between biological side of body and the way of taking pain, but... The thing I know is that I prefer to want punishment instead of praying for it's end.

Nevertheless, it works only for masochists. For "normall" spanking is a pain, and everything is on it's own place. Then I can tell that the punishment is the punishment.

People says that in D/s there's no punishment. I agree. Usualy it's some help to change point of view.

If I tell my Master that I'll do something and I don't - even if Master doesn't require it from me - I feel like I need to be punished. No punishment? I suppose that not having punishment would be the worst punishment of all...

Evening spanking

I'm starting my 10 days holidays and I started it with small evening spanking.

That was some new experience for me. Usual spanking was rather a punishment than something nice. Of course I liked it (almost each), but it always had hurt. This time was different. Master used paddle and His
hand and started soft. Because usualy His aim was to give me pain I was so surprised when I felt that He rather tickled me than spank! After short warm up He speeded up and after a while He got to the point when He used to start. Did warm up change anything? Everything! That was really pleasant...

Recently we're taking some more photos during our playtime and I collect them on my laptop. As I wrote I'm taking look on them... And I like them! Especially I love the way my bottom looks like when it's sooo red.

Master said that if I behave as I am behaving recently, He'll be spanking me (not as kind as He did today) every single day after coming back from work. I suppose that my irritation has just irritated my Owner :)

Overthinking and deep throat

I hate to overthink stuff... I hate it, and always do it! It's already kind of rule of mine :)

Today I woke up Master, and He was definetly in the mood.

That's quite weird that feeling submissive not goes with being horny for me. It's not even goes with have light of desire for sex. I can feel sooo His, but if He touched me, I would be able to kill somebody. It drives me crazy... AS so many things recently...

Because I follow some blogs, I can see that something not good is in the air. Why? Many of women confess that they are so irritated recently and being submissive became a bit hard to achieve. Maybe it's too long winter or something different with the weather, but it's a fact.

I need have had the day-off. If not today's overthinking I would be so energized. At least for today.

So let's cope with overthinking issue and the title. My master announced me that today will be kind of trainning for me. We would train me as a slave and my skills about deep throat. But my rebel-spirit went out and I confessed that I hate when he announce me something some time before it actually happening. It's like planning sex, which is... the worst for me. And because I said that, we had to discuss it which of course was so hard for me. I suppose I have planning and overthinking as much as I hate discussing planning and my overthinking.

So we did... And I didn't like it. After that I always feel guilty, and the worst slave ever... If it's not enough I feel like I did hurt Him. And make Him feel stupid... No matter how long he would tell me that he really appreciate my opinion, and that He want to make me feel good and happy.

I hope that the thing which make us feel soo in not correct place will disappear soon.

How some stuff can change the way in which we are looking on ourselfs. I put the ring on my thumb, which I didn't wear for ages. And because yesterdays holiday, I straighted my hair. And because those two, today when I take a look into the mirror I felt again as a guitarrist not the housewife, which I felt myseld for so long.

So if you saw me with guittar and doing some weird moves with it, remember - that's because of the ring :P Is it magic or something? Maybe I should look for some slave-ring instead of guittarist-ring :)

Totally day-off

Recently I wrote that Master allowed me to have the day-off. Today is my second day-off. So "off" that He let me stay home today! If it isn't enough He told that I HAVE TO do ONLY things I want to do and nothing else. I was so surprised and... so touched. I felt so much that He takes care about me... And not only about my physical condition but also about my mental condition. I love Him so much...

He also took idea from some blogs which He follows. Idea of maintenance day. It didn't take place yet, but... I'm not sure that I should be happy with that. It's rather scares me. I'm barely taking thirty swats and what happend when I earn more? How I would stand it?

No matter how much I love him, He drives me crazy recently. Especially when He shows his dominance. Maybe it is connected in some way with need of day-off... Or kaya has infected me with her irritation. I hope it'll go away soon enough.

Yesterday naked-waiting wasn't so bad I expected it to be. Maybe except that Master slapped my face few times. No matter how much I would like to say that it was unfair, it was... definetly fair. And even not enough. Because I am who I am, I started to cry. I always do when He's slapping my face. It's stronger than me. Escpecially when it's more than two swats or if they are strong. Yesterday there was about five and strong ones. And what I heard?

- I like when you cry, Ni...

If someone heard that, would think that Master is psychopath or so :-) But even in those words was a lot of love and taking care.

- You know why do I like when you cry?

Because I'm not quite good speaker when I cry, I only shaked my head.

- I do, because when you cry you throw all your stress and suspense out. Your mood is better after crying. - then He made small break - do you know why did I slapped you?

I changed my shaking into nodding.

- Not because you didn't put your pills on the list. I did it, because I should punish you for that really hard and I suppose that today you could have a bit problem with taking that, am I right?

Again nodding.

- So that's why I had to do that. For not punishing you in different way.

I've felt my cheek for a while yet, reminding me about what has just happend. When I had prepared dinner I put those damn pills on the list and enjoyed spending time with Owner... So grateful for His care and love... But then...

My iritation came back :(

"Wait for me naked"

Waking up Master is recently my most important and loved duty (important, which I put on myself). The second on my "favourite-duties-list" is waitting for Him, when He's coming back from work. Usualy I do some stuff in the kitchen, and when He comes and I can hear the key in door,  I just take myself into position and wait for Him to went in. But today, Owner asked me to wait for Him in the same way, but naked.

I still don't know what I feel about that. And how I will react when it will happend. I'm weird and there are some stuff which are problem for me - just for me, cause for normall people it's something everyday and common. But I decided to cope with them, and I hope I will achieve it.

After today's blogs review I was shocked to hear that someone can take over one thousand of swats at one time! It's like... Something unbelievable for me! I'm squeezing after only thirty. I ofcourse know that not every spankings are equals, but still... No matter how soft they would be, thousand swats is... Terrifying.

Recently, my Master took some pictures of me. The first one was only to show me how many bruises last spanking has left, but rest was made just to have it - I'm naked on them and holding my ankles and the picture is made from my backside, so I thought I would hate them! But Owner asked me to save them, so I prepared a special folder, and from time to time I'm taking a look on the photos. I always was the enemy numer one of this kind of pictures, but... I have to admitt that I enjoy watching those. Maybe I still don't look in way I'm working on, but... It's so submissive and... humble? I don't know... I just like them.

I have to go, cause if I'll miss another tram today, there will be chance to make another picture of bruises :)

Getting used to being slave

That's amazing how fast I got used to being a full-time slave. Maybe it's too strong said, but I can't stand Him being so vanilla for some longer recently. He doesn't have to be serious, but... not vanilla... Just not!

It's so hard to make me happy :)

At the morning I asked Master to give  me the "day-off". I had wanted to be so sweet and innocent girl for Him. I love being a bit childish, and making him to take care of me more than usual. He'd agreed and had started being vanilla. At the beginning it was even quite funny and it was something new after few days of concrete relations and working on them. But when we'd got home it started getting me more and more annoyed about his being vanilla. I tried to provocate Him a little or turns Him up, but... Only I got was being laughed of cannot being without his dominance more than half a day :)

We've got an idea, recently. To make our D/s relation closer and more tight, we bought some kind of tag to my bracelet. Because both of us are really emotional about being together as marriage so in our everyday life there is many vanilla interludes and to separate time when we are partly kinky and vanilla, we bought kind of symbol to make everything clear at the very moment. When Master attache tag to my bracelet, I know that I have to follow some rules - like not keeping my legs together - which normally are useless and disturbing. It doesn't mean I'm not submissive in our everyday life. I am. But it's mixture - vanilla and D/s. Recently we even saying something about DD, but it's still on overtalking level.

The tag means a lot for me. I know I got it, because Owner decided I can bear with that and it won't stop me from being ready for Him all the time. And the tag is just cute... I love how it looks on my hand and how Master looking on me when I'm having that.

Quite funny is that the tag is a padlock, which also means something for me. Have some message for both of us. At least for me :) Having that makes me closer do Master, make me more submissive and... There're so many feeling I've got about that, that I cannot even realise most of them. But yes - I definetly like it and that has been, more or less, one of the best ideas for last several weeks.

To-do-list for a slave

Because I triple forgot to do some stuff, which my Master had asked me for, I was asked to prepare daily to-do-list, which I will be accounted for.

I still remember writting report on my days, when we met at the very begging :-) Because He asked me to write only few words about what I had done during the day and I had pretty big problem not to forget about that, we came into point, when I had to wrote 15 000 lettering per one report. I hated that after some time. Furthermore, I couldn't bear with that at all. Not because I wasn't able to do that, but because I was too disorganised. 

I recall that, because my to-do-list are quite the same. But because I went through reports, I can see how many things my Master has taught me since then. I can say that I even LIKE my list now! Maybe I shouldn't, cause it should have been a punishment, but... I really like it. It makes me think about Him all the time and feel more save about stuff I'm to do for Him. 

Punishment... Hmm... I'm not sure if it was the aim of this one :) 

Humbly lowered eyes...

There are moments in woman's life when she just can't toe the line, in no way. Escpecially, if her other half respect her feelings, the situation i s pretty hard. What the dominance without dominance is for me?

I never thought that I would be able not to savour his dominance. I love it, and never ever I wouldn't tell him that I don't want it anymore. I'm dreaming about him being overbearing. Worse is when into our relation coming physical contact and increased effort. When those two elements comes, in some vague way, mental aspect of our D/s is being dimmed. Yet this mental aspect is the most important for me. Is the thing which turns me on.

Sometimes I'm wondering, where's the border - what can be done and what kind of action bring negative reactions. Of course saying that He "cannot do something" would be far from true. I can't forbid him anything. He's my Master, my Owner; but He rates me highly (something's wrong with that expression :/), and takes efforts not to see only my devotion, but also obtuseness and whims.

The sens of that is in concrete elements. If today I throw coin into the fountain and it something desired and good, but tommorow I'll throw the same coin into the same fountain and it would be breach of law, the third day I wouldn't be able to recognize what to do and what is right - throwing the coin or not.

Unfortunetly, we have to cope with similar problem as coin-issue. How to identify if the action is desired, if two days ago it had been something awful and yesterday was deeply wanted. I hope we will cope with that - I'm sure :) Unless we do there's nothing more than humbly lower my eyes and wait what was prepared for today for me...

Mother's care.

Today, while I was kneeling on the kitchen's floor and my eyes were lowered and I was  waitting for my Master; I was contemplating what would my mather say if she did see me in this kind of situation. I was wondering would she understand what relation is between me and my husband.

Second thought I made while I was waitting, was about erotic life of our potential offspring. Mainly, I was interested in that if I like our daughter to be a slave as her mother. Conclusion? I do, on the condition that she would have appropriate Master. Noone knows better than I do, how dangerous randomly looking for a Dom could be. Checking "does this one is perfect for me, howfar I don't have to continue that, I can leave every single moment" it's not such a good idea. Maybe it's sounds idiotically, but all depends on what age you're starting with this kind of relations, you can get stuck on so many dangers. The worse is that if some tragedy had happend, you wouldn't have anybody to share it with. Because "how could I say anybody how perverted am I?"

To the exclusion of that aspect of submission, I think that gains from slavery are farther more valuable than dangers, which, at all, don't have to happend (which of course doesn't make anyone to skip EVERY SINGLE way to protect yourself).

I've many times wrote here, that I've got a lot from being submissive, how many things I've learnt and how many thing were made easier for my, because I'm His. I think we would feel that we failed about being parents, if our child after ten years of her sexual life would be in point, when her husband would like to "make love"with her, but only under the quilt and with light off. I don't know if exist any woman, who doesn't need real fucking, at least from time to time.

Perhaps wondering how sexual life of our children will look when they'll grow up is a bit sick. And if anybody would call it in that way, I won't argue with him a lot :)  However, analising what good stuff could happend to our children in the future, brings me to think that D/s relationship would be one of those things.

Mainly, I was thinking about woman-submission, because of my persuasion but also if our son would become a Dom, I don't think he would loose anything. Benefits from this kind of relationship for dominant are simply the same than for slave - at least in generally way of thinking. For certain it learn responsibility and after this feature comes whole gamut of features which are helpfull in the life.

Results of the punishment

"What have you learnt from today's punishment?"

This kind of questions could be pretty annoying. I'm sure that nobody likes pointing out his mistakes, but it can let yourself realise some stuff. First of all - what that punishment had learnt me. At least that is the reason why we are being punished. The most interesting is that every time when my Master want to reprove me, I learn something different. Rarely happens that I don't learn anything new - even if I'm punished for the same thing for the fifth time. Every time, I got know something new about myself, and about my Master and his attitude to many different things.

So... What have I learnt? The most important lesson I got is that no matter how hard I believe that I'm strong enough to control my body and reactions, I have to admit that He is the person who control that - not me. He knows me the best and knows how much I can endure, how hard pain He inflicts me, and how far from next level of pain I am. Many times I was doing my best to endure all the punishment in the way I suppose He would be proud of. The results were pretty diversified, but I know that the result depended only on what effect my Master wanted to achieve.

And also because of that consideration I even further appreciate what and how much of work my Master put in my education. Education of being perfect slave for him.

Because I appreciate his efforts, I learnt also something else. To listen. REALLY listen (as I read recently on the blog). And when I already heared, I have to set store by what did he say. Is it what I mainly had to learn from that punishment? I don't know. I suppose (I've never asked), that my Owner's aim is to learn me many things at once. I have to admit that He is damn good at that! It's really seldom that I learn only one thing from the punishment.

Yesterday night, I got know that I'm scare about pain. Until lately I was sure that only thing I am scared of is myself. Today, I honestly can say that pain, which make me shiver definetly exist. I was terrible shocked when I saw a big smile on my Master's face when I said that. The smile of satisfaction! "Because the punishment should be a real punishment, not the pleasure"

Reportedly, the punishment in BDSM doesn't exist. And I agree with that. But does our relationship is still the pure BDSM or maybe it have evolved into the DD. Being together all the time generate main basic problem - in what way connect being a marriage and the D/s relation? And that's the place, where punishment have it's own place to be. Way to clear myself after doing something unpropriate? Communication? However I would call it - as far it works correctly.

Words...

We often say that words are not enough, that all what is important are acts, that only them can change antyhing.

Ok, but... In polish language we have many proverbs like "One 'sorry' changing everything" or "words hurt more than wound of knife".

Words... So they are matter or not? What about safe-word? Pretty important word :) What about "love"? What about your name engraved on your collar? What about "I'm proud"? Is it more important than i.e. look of recognition?

We - people - talk all the time. Talk a lot. Many time it's really out of sens and useless, but we're still talking :)

however - words can change everything. Single word can bring peace and relief. Even stupid joke can change atmosphere in room - and in which way it depends on the joke ;)

Ekhm... Did I have anything constructive to say? Nope... Not really. As summing-up I would say that the longer night is, the worse mornign comes...

Women's yoke :>

I don't like Saturdays. Sounds weird? Why I don't like Saturdays? I don't like them, because they are full of laziness - at least mine.

And what happens when I'm bored? I have headache, I'm dying of boredom, I'm non stop hungry. And where my pleasure from the weekend? But when they said to put women into the yoke, we were revolting against!

Maybe there is our place :> :P?

Cellulite

Sometimes I'm wondering what makes us - women - to take care about ourselfs? First though - who would said anything else - our own willingness, but... It doesn't work like that :-)

We're doing our best for men. Why women loose more weight when they fall in love and not when they realised that they're fat?

Because we want to be admired by men. Measure of our beauty is if guys looks at us. No matter what any woman would say, she will smile when a guy will hit a street lamp while he was looking at her.

In case of submissive it looks a bit different. It's more compulsory; But who is in front of submissive? Man! (I mean in particular case which I'm involved in)

Why I'm thinking of that? I do, because I noticed cellulite on my limb and I decided to remove it. I ordered some formula/cream and  for that, massager and yoke in which I'll make my husband break papules on my thigh.

The worst is that he's sadist and I already fell this "breaking";/ Eh, what I did for love... :P

About mug in bad size, and hands folded on the back.

Sometime I don't what I feel. At the moment I'm convinced about my submission and in the moment I'm so nervious and my submission splash. How to reconcile everyday life with amok, in which is sumbimissive?

What to do to don't think about next gesture...? I cannot find any happy medium.

I'm at one remove from declaration of love and for-ever fidelity to man, who only by his look is able to wrap me around his finger and make me strip naked in the middle of the street for him and on all fours march next to his feet. But what'll happend when everyday life will sneak into this magic?
A coffe in bad size of mug, fresh bread which run out and chronic no time...? Where in this mess is place for humble, lowered eyes, hands folded on the back and speechless prayer for his harsh mood....?

I've never could find a happy medium - and I suppose that's why I always said that BDSM in relationship (like a marriage) is impossible. It's always too much of it or it's being outcasted.

So, why I've believed that it IS possible? Why I've let myself for that faith? I still don't know it, and I don't want to know.

But I want to find the happy medium. I want my submission to be clear for him - always. Even when I hate when he touch my nipple in bad moment, even when I terrible angry with thing which I don't want to do right now. Even then I'm ready to take the risk...

But for how long? Untill the next mug in bad size? Untill the next run between one sensless aim to another? Is it what we need? Is it what we cannot live without?

Pride? Disappointment? Anger?

I fight with myself all the time - once I win, once loose but always... always is pretty tough. BDSM is a part of your life, where the trust is the most important. How many times, task which your Master gives you is based on selfcontrol or only on attitudes towards Him or the situation. Many times the result is known only for the submissive and Master has to trust that she's honest - no matter how good observator He would be.

And here the temptation comes. Say the truth and be punished in the worst way of all or maybe make your efforts look a bit better than they were at real, which make the punishment more bearable and make Master less angry. There are two ways. You also could do it in this way: with full self-criticism and consciousness of
consequences confess to everything.

In my opinion all depends on relations between Master and the submissive... If it's only about satisfying desires then it's useless to tell the truth if Master at the very moment need something else and He doesn't mind if she's honest or not. But if the relation is really deep and their aim is devotion and attachment then the choose is rather easy and clear.

Still, there is question that the clarity of the choose make the decision easier for submissive. It's natural that all of us trying to save our own skin and make the right decision in this kind of situation involves causing pain to herself. This statement might be too far, but I think it's true.
I definetly understand sumbimissive, who pretty often made the same mistake and confessed with begging for the punishment. They (including me) totally know that every single word brings pain while they think about the consequences. And first of all, the face of Master, who hear what stupid thing made his possession AGAIN. 

Yes... And after the longest prologue of all prologues we're coming to the heart of the matter. The most difficult is to control yourself. Control reactions of our body and organism. Furthermore, the more you're trying to control something the less it works. I'm sure I'm going to learn to control the pleasure my organism's giving to me. At least my Master is Master of my pleasure also... :) I'm learning it, no matter what! Why? Because I don't want to see angry eyes, when I'll confess AGAIN to that... Because... I don't want to be gnawed by guilt when it's happening... Because... I don't want to face the choose and it's consequences... Because... I don't want make him worry or put him off all this relation...

Because He is my Master... Because... I love Him with all my heart and soul...