Hopelessness

I think that I just find a place for moaning, I swear...

Yesterday night killed me, and kept me killed for half of today. And I
think I'm sick of today. My Master said that my reaction for his acting shocked him in negative way.

I hate the negative shocking. For heaven's sake, I always do my best!

When he didn't like the way I looked at him, he decided to punish me for that. Of course, it was something LIKE a punishment, because he spanked me and yanked at my hair - just for showing that he don't like what I did.

But what I did? Although I definetly had perfect mood for situation like that, I took it personally. Result? Huddled myself, biting my lips as long as the blood didn't come up. I said sorry, and hugged him. And that was it. Nothing more happend. But - what could. After that I lost all my mood for fun or playing. And also he - noticed my reacion.

When I relaxed that far I could explain him , why I reacted like that way, he said he was surprised by my reaction.

I know I replay that phrase so many times, but it touched me a lot.

He said, that in the past I would overthinking what the hell I had done wrong that my Master didn't like it and not that I was treated unfair. And he's right. I would do that...

Do I set too high standards after so long break? Or maybe my moaning taking over my submission? I don't know that. And I really don't like it.

Yesterday crying-night I consider closed, and morning words of my Master (let's try everything again since 18th November, 10:36 am?) as a... hm... grudge...

Yet he knows me! And he definetly knows that I'm trying to fix all it up for really long time. And that's why I feel down in the dumps today.

Because again it failed. Again flap. Failure... In every single issue, although I'm trying so hard...

I'm not the person who can loose.

I begin to believe in superstitions

As I don't believe in ANY superstition as last two days making me doubt about my conviction.

For last two weeks, day by day I've been working my arse off for my boss-exploiter and thanks to his trying I at least have two days off. During which I was waiting for any sign of BDSM in my life. At least.

Because many things came back enter me and my Intended, so I COULD wait for something.

But no... It would be much too beautifull.

Since yeasterday's evening rhytmical sniffling have brougth troubles. Aching in my bones make me think that nothing good coming to me.

And in that way, instead of enjoy spending time with my Master, I got into bed and fall asleep even before he came back from bathroom (but I can't say that falling asleep before his coming happening for the very first time :P)

Furthermore, although I took some meds for my sick, I don't feel better. What takes me even further from spending time on being boundaged, spanked or anything which I have in my head, while I'm thinking of time spended with him.

Of course, He could make me do things which He want me to, but we think it's not about that at all...

Recently I noticed some other aspects of BDSM-domestic. I saw it as affiliation submissive to her Master, where she should be ready no matter of circumstances, and He should allow her for any exception from her readiness very rarely.

Now I would explain it in another way. I can see word „relationship”, which shows me that this kind of being together it's not only sumbimissive who gives and Master who takes, but both should involve in, and do their best to make other person happy.

My seeing domination is evolving. At least ;)

Windsom become not only the one, who takes whatever and whenever he likes, and when he want to He's being fabvourable. Windsom become the Master, who respects that she's not able to do everything, she has problems, worse days; but He still can ignore it... But not because of his whim, but for her own good.