first of all, I would like to say sorry for my English. It's still not the best, but I hope that during writing this blog and my studies I'll be better every day :)I also want to say that it's a blog of me and my life. And because BDSM is a big part of my life, many things will be about it. The blog is translation of blog I have in my own language.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Women dominance

Yesterday's evening:

O(wner): Today's to-do-list has been thrown out, but it will better for you, if tommorow you solve it a bit more effective than today. There won't be any "pleaaseee Master!!", is it clear?
M(e): Yeeep...

Today's evening:

O: Wow, it's one p.m. already... I didn't even realise when it passed. <THE look> You did your to-do-list, right?*
M: No, I didn't...
O: Are you kidding me?
M: No...

* <list should be done before midday>

And right now is about 9:40PM. My to-do-list? Em... Planning of preparing that is... In progress. Today's maintenance day has quite similar situation - died. And in this way I created two corpses: my to-do-list and maintenance day. And tommorow, my Master will create another ona corpse - ME!

From good news: we prepared a cake today. And yes - "we" was put there on purpose. I like when we do some stuff together. Especialy if it's something to eat. It's like a new toy. And yes - it's sooo fun.

And because in the kitchen usually I'm in the lead, I'm wondering how is it with dominance among the women. Where their cruealty and ruthlessness comes from. What I run into? Everything which is going on, comes from the nature. From history and biology we know, that the man "since" forever has been stronger and more responsible. The man was hunting, take care about family and decided about... em... When co-existence is going to happend :) And woman? She was quiet, shy, humbly. She was the one who was taking care about hearth and home.

And where in this kind of picture is place for proud lady in latex boots and whip in her hand? There is not... She can't fit obedient-women canon. And that make me think that dominance among women comes rather from somewhere out of nature. And from that fact comes the conclusion that desire connected with sadism and giving pain have to be stronger than need of being obedient, humbly, feeling the weaker one. And because of those stron feelings scruples have to be out. Turned off. There's the secret...

But.. Those are only my thought, and I don't have to be right. Untill now, nobody get me to think in any other way.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


Firstly I would like to boast about my weight. Today I received the new lowest weight during excersing-history! Good for me!

Yesterday to-do-list was created more or less an hour after it should be done. Duh! Some of her points were just ignored. Duh! The list land in the trush :)

Fortunetly the trush-landing  was made by my Master - I'm afraid that in every other case I wouldn't probably stay alive until today :D.

I would really like to describe why I'm so happy that everything is getting normal (because during last three
days it wasn't), but... I don't know what to write. It just was unnormal. Not-submissively.  Not-subordination(ly). Not-BDSM'ly. And at all - not. But it's getting normal...

I think that good spanking never ever hurt anyone. At least as form of discipline. As fast as human's bottom sore for a while, as cleariel thinking become, it's easier to be nice and kind to the rest of society and in general life is easier.

The problem is when you don't have good person to applicate this kind of discipline means. Then we run into the disease entity charming named as LBIN (Laziness+Bee In Nose).

At the end I put genre scene:

(all happend during I was applying ointment to my knee)

Me: Ugh! I didn't shave my knee yesterday!
Master: Ugh!
Me: But you never shave your knee, so it's mean that you are "ugh" all the time??
Master: Babe, go and do 30 sits-ups - please :>

Thursday, April 18, 2013

One Owner for whole life..

- What would you do, if I was lost? If you didn't know am I still alive, where am I or whatever? Would you look for someone another for my place?

- You mean if you died?

- Yes. Or if you didn't have any news about me.

- I don't know how would I behave at real situation, but... I think that untill I wasn't sure that you're dead, I wouldn't be able to go on...

- And if you WAS sure, would you look for another Master?

- I suppose not. You can have many Masters during your life, but you can have just one Owner...

Just one Owner for all your life...

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Leap year.

"Leap year" directed by Michael Rowe'a. Film from 2010. Is it in BDSM atmosphere? I suppose I can say that.

Laura is mentally broken. She has shoddy life, in shoddy city. Even about herself we can say she's shoddy. Movie begins when girl starting to mark reiteration date's on calendar, on the wall. Those marked one showed her the way to the last day of leap year's February. Until then, except having shodding life, at evenings she's going out and coming back each night with different guy. It stops, when to her appartment enters Arturo, who changes something - of course if living from meeting to meeting can be called as change. Only on those moments Laura is able to show at least minimum of interest about what is going on around her. Their relationship is getting to be strucked up. Each time he moves a step further along the border of fear and pain, but by implication he get her more addicted to him.

I won't tell you the end, but... For me it was rather positive, but for my Master all this picture was absolutely negative.

During the conversation with Owner about that film I notices that saying "what is done is done" is absolutely gibberish. Everything which happended in one's life, even the tiniest detail, about which we don't remember at all - is really important and influence one's personality and point of view. Especcialy those experiences, which were hard and important change everything.

But everything CAN be changed again - change reaction. For a long time I haven't been scared and haven't feel fear when Master closes car doors, when He touches me or even spank me in car. Mostly I even don't think about stuff I should think about.

I still know two things. Firstly, as far as I can reduce my reactions, make them more normall, I can't reduce or remove my recollection. The memories are always alive - even if I don't refresh them each day.

Second thing? With Him... Everything is possible.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Present for Master

How you already got know, recently I threw the book at my Master. I talked back so much, that I feel ashamed, when I think about it. I wouldn't even tell that woman, who's learning how to be a slave for so long already, could do stuff like that. But you know how it's working - PMS and stuff like that - Master throw the spark, and the slave stir the fire. And definetly it's not the fire of marbles.

Because yesterday my Owner made me realise that he wouldn't punish me that day, I decided that within the scope of compensation I would prepare him a surprise. Especially that recently we didn't have enough time to spend with each other, and He missed my body and moment to enjoy me to the full. According to that I prepared all stuff which He might like to use on me: our both whips, paddle, clasps, butt-plug, blindfold and the rest of our stuff. Even when I took a look in that side of our room I was stressed. I definietly wasn't in THE mood and my whole-hurting body and being mad because of PMS was making it even worse. Yes... Definietly it wasn't my day.

And I was waiting for Him. And waiting... And keep waiting. When you're waiting, minute are passing cruely slow and seconds become a eternity. At least - with hands in front of me and sticked out - I waited long enough. The sound of key in lock brought almost shaking each muscle of my body. My Master went into our place and in His normal pace was doing stuff, which you need to do when you're coming back home. For me it was like another eternity. Only I got was short "hello".

Then, He asked me to stand up and hugged me soo stron. Who other knows me the best and could know that this is what I need at that very moment. Only He could - my Master and Owner. When He was already clean and well-smelling, He made me to kneel in front of his legs, and - from time to time - touching my face, he started to talk. To talk about situation, which require to be solved and that I will be punished because of that; that I can't talk to him in the way I did yesterday, definietly not as His slave; that I didn't solved each task from my to-do-list and that he want to ejoy me to the full and when He would do that, then I would be punished for all what I did.

- Do you know, that what will happend in the moment won't be neighter pleasing nor light?

He didn't make me feel better with that, but I was His gift and surprise so I was for Him, and how He will use that gift... I had nothing to do with that decision.

It have been started quite drastic. Clasps on my labias (those tinier) is something which I wasn't able to take. At least it is what I thought. But, as usual - He knows me better. He knew that I can endure that. And I did. The further we got, the worse it was getting to be. Clasps on my nipples, deep throat, in which I'm still not the best ( and btw I hate that name). I achieved more that ever...
I mastered technic of controling the pain. Although each cell of my body was overcomed with pain... I didn't react. I threw it away from my consciousness.

Sometimes I'm dreaming about throwing away his belt. I don't know if my bottom wouldn't feel ofended by that, but.. My pussy would rather thank me for that. Untill the moment my Owner didn't use it on Her, I was able to stay calm, next to the pain. That was my limit, I couldn't get out of myself anymore and sob get out of my mouth, my legs automatically got crossed and I gave up totally. I didn't have any more strenght to pull myself together.

- Spread your legs.
- ....
- Spread. Your. Legs. Now.

When I made myself to open my eyes i and see His look... He gave me the strenght, which I needed. The strenght, which I should have for pull myself together and do what He wanted me to do. I was weeping spasmodically with legs spreaded and I surrended. At least I was submitted to what He prepared for me. That feeling, when you finally stop fighting is... beggare description. Totally depencende and devotion... Mysthic relation...

But the most beautiful is that I know, that He knew that. He felt the moment, when I surrended myself.

- Stop crying. Deep breath. Exhalation. Breath in...Exhalation... Breath in...  Good girl.

And then.. He fucked me. At least at the beggining, cause then He...  was making love with me... And then he let me cry... As loud and stron as I would like. In his strong arms...

- I love you. I'm proud of you, my slave! And because I'm so proud, you won't be punished today.

And when He let me go to clean myself ( I don't know why, but I went out of water so.. tottery that I couldn't keep my muscles calm) he wrapped me in the quilt and made tea for me.. And a bun.. With ham and cucumber.

And when I cuddled to his arm I was apologizing to my Master... For bad attitude and behaviour... For I didn't do like a Slave...

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Delicate materia and the right for changes

What owning something is? What the incontestable right to anything is?
Can I broke something which belongs to me? Throw it away? Change it? - Yes, I can!
Can I do it with impunity? No – never!

Each action is associated with consequences which must be suffered. Because life is not easy, hardly ever the exact consequence is known.
If we undertake to have a slave, then we also decide on huge responsibility (I'm writing rather about DD and about all 24/7 relationships, not about only-bed-relationship). The reality is that all Domin's actions change the slave, form her and teach her because she should fit to Master (and sometimes when he has wider life exprerience he also adapt slave to the word around her). What he teaches her, and in what way he does so depend on concrete couple and what BDSM/DS/MS/DD/etc is for them or what they want it to be. For me the relationship is intimacy, concern for wife/slave and the way I enjoy life with her. But it is also my dominion, authority and responsibility, I probably cannot do more for being sure that all is being leaded onto the right line by me.

However, sometimes I don't have willingness to teach anyone anything; sometimes after tough day I only want to have fun, play with my property, use her; sometimes I expect something from her - and I also have the right to do that. Sometimes I'm doing the thing only for my whim - because I can! Duh, why I shouldn't be able to? After all, for the rest of time I take care of her, I care about her and I'm satisfying her (What is intresting, that even if I use my property, then I also teach her and give her a pleasure ). I don't have to expound anything, maybe it's some mysterious lesson and I will explain it oneday; maybe it is only my whim - I have the right to do things how I want them to be done and I expect full obedience regaddless of understanding my motivation by my slave or not.

I'm not infallible, but I don't know anyone who is;) There are issues I deal with in wrong way - but my submissive also has chance to give her opinion. She can says anything, to show what does she think (if not immediately, then she can share her feelings later, so my knowlegde would be wider next time). But always she should do it in correct way and appropriate form.
She also isn't perfect - she has (as I do) shortcomings and bad days, but then she will be punished for bad behaviour. Why? Because everyone bears the consequences. When I have bad day and I do something wrong I also bear it (e.g. I have to look at sad slave, broken slut; I look at slave who is sick of everything - I suppose also of me; and when I really breake something I will be physicaly or spiritually treating my slave by many weeks or months).

But if we want to know all these stuff, if we want to know consequences, if we want to be able to cope with that - we must learn how to talk (it is begining of everything) - in appropriate form and way,to listen each other. It is our lesson and we must learn it, do our homework - but it is the thing which we will be learning whole life.

If this is the way how it works in our relation, so what the fault is? In D/s Dominant can demands anything and Submissive should do everything what she's able to do (cause it is her role) to be equal to it and if she has a problem then she can tell Master, asks him or even begg him. Submissive put themselfe in this role, this is the reason which make her feel fulfitmented and also make her feel good about accomplished responsibility. Master can teach her and play with her in that way. But all opinions in our life are subiectively - slave (as well based on reaction of his Master) judges how good she fulfit her duty. Master also judges it by knowing his slave and there are situations when despite the fact how many efforts she made he can punish her - because goal wasn't achieved, because her efforts weren't enough (in his opinion), because he expected his property to do much more or once again he wanted to teach her something. And again - he has the right to do that and he can explain his slut the issue, but he doesn't have to:)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Totally fair punishment

I'm your... And what should I do?

Let's imagine the situation. Just imaginary. We have some rules. I.e let's call it to-do-list. Çause I had some stuff to do, I wasn't able to complete tasks from that list, because you asked me for doing some other stuff - totally excluding one another.

Admittedly you're not mad at me, but... You are going to punish me... As a matter of fact, you're right. I didn't make task done, but... It wasn't my fault. I just wasn't able to do that.

I trust you. I really do. I trust that you're fair and whatever you're doing, you are doing for our good. But... What should I learn from that lesson? How can I cope with that giant feel of injustice??

Wr... I'm so, so, so mad!

Not because of these damn punishment, no! I am, because of our conversation! We can't talk not to piss off each other! I know - PMS stuff and so on...

PMS time and breaking-confines-day

THE time is coming... THE time, when I will be mean, awful and angry with EVERYTHING. Yesterday morning was a great prelude from what is going to happend next:

- You will be late for work.
- Sweetie, I already left, can't you see?? (I need to add that He was in our living room and was definietly not prepared yet)
- Yeah, I can see.
- Do you have any problem?
- Yes, 'cause you require me to be always on time, and you are not!
- Are you able to understand that I don't have to be on exact time at work? NOT HAVE TO.
- I know...
- So you just shouldn't care about that.
- Oh, really?? OK - if want so...
- Ok, sweetie I'm leaving. But can I advice you something?
- Mhm...
- When you'll pee, be carefull.
- Why??
- Cause the bee which you have in your ass can fly out and sting your nose! ***
- Wrr!

Few hours later on Skype...

- Am I in trouble?
- A little...
- I think I shouldn't be (yeah, yeah, I know - a suicide)
- Oh, really? We'll talk about it when I'll come back home.
- Em... You know, I'll rather go to do some cleaning.

And that's how I am doing recently. Trying to keep the paddle away from a bottom while my mean alter ego doing her best to get me in trouble.

I love when Master takes care about me. He's my guardian and protector. Yesterday he made me to go sleep without completing my to-do-list's tasks. He saw how my eyes were closing and how tired I was. And because of that He made the decision. I suppose that my well-done duties had something in common with that fact, but... I would like to think that it was because I'm sooo good-behaving and obedient and because I'm doing great with my PMS (ok, I'm not - but can't I lie myself a bit?).

Recently, Owner asked me what do I think about having the day, during which we should break some confines. I always wanted to do that, but... When I have to face it... I'm a bit scared. The decision was made, but... It's so scary! Although I (!) told Master that I wanted to cross some lines, I'm not so sure about it anymore.

But - as usual - I suppose it just look so bad and it will be great. He knows me better, right?

*** In my country there is saying that if anybody was really mad and angry, they had had bees in their ass :)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Punishment for missed points of slave's to-do-lists.

As you can see, Master joined me on blogging which I'm soo happy about. And I love how his posts will look like!

- Bring me the paddle and whip.
- But... I don't want to now...
- I know. But bring it. You know what you have to be punished for?
- Yes... I know... For everything...

I didn't want to make him angry with me either, so I brought it...

- Stand up, grasp your ankles.

I wasn't even naked. He just lowered my pants and took the paddle. First few swats was... Rather bearable. Not to hard. Hurt, but no too much. But... Then they got stronger. And harder. And I wasn't able to keep my balance... When he sat next to me I breathed a sigh of relief.

- Ok... So warm up is over.

WHAT?! WARM UP??? - of course I didn't say that. How could I show that what he's doing hurt. No way!

- Lean your hands on the bed. So... You was late for going to bed like an hour yesterday, but half of it was my fault... And you was late with your project... Have you put it on your to-do-lists regularly?
- Yes I did...
- And you was postponing it until you had one-day delay?
- Yes...
- So... It's something about 15 swats for all, isn't it?

And he started the torture... He was running the paddle over my bottom soo slow and delicate... I couldn't stand  the stress that the swat can come anytime. Each time when the paddle dragged away from my skin I holded my breath. That's the worst part... Waiting...

Waiting was over, when he embraced me and gave some soooo stron and soooo hard and fast swats that I couldn't stop screaming although his request for being quiet. Three more swats and he asked me to lay down on bed sticked out with my hands extended. And... STARTED HIS TORTURE AGAIN! Slow moves and ticking with the paddle and with his fingers drove me crazy... Then he took a whip and gave me rest of what I earned.

- Kneel with hand behind your head. If you want to resign from any point of your list, you have to ask. And if you are late for any task which you can postpone, you won't be able to either postpone anything anymore or I will make you to ask about each putting thing off. You don't have to go sleep on 10:30 if you don't want to, but... You have to ask for permission. You got me?


- Good. Has punishment been very painful?
- Yes...
- You wasn't like doing it, was you?
- No I wasn't...
- Me neighter. That was for today. Maybe we'll come back to it on maintenance day. Remember that, cause you still have whole week in front of you ;)

Weekend off and morning coffee - Master's post

Life if full of duties (and pleasure), full of needs (and craving) – for not get lost in tangle of ways created by body and mind, we try to prevail over that, control it. I suppose it is the most difficult thing and somebody who had to go to WC so hard or had only craving for favorite food (after 3 months of diet) should agree with me.

Control oneself in that case depend on power of will, character (sometimes also on strong sphincter ;)). When there are many situations like these we need rest and change... But sometimes we have a problem, because it's impossible to run away from our nature. How many times short-tempered person wants take a break and have a cool head without any stresses and nerves (yeees I exactly know what I'm writing about:>).

Just as in BDSM... If only relationship is natural, comes  from characters (both, submissive and dominant) then it is very hard to run away from it and take a break – despite the fact that sometimes  desire for change and rest comes. But the only I need is any twinkle in my slave's eye and it kindle a little flame in me which, like a fire, takes over my whole body – and that is the point where change-and-rest-thing is over. The same with the scowl or THE tone of voice. It causes that she feels weak at her knees and not knowing why, how and when she got on them.

Weekend after hard working week causes increase of desire of chill and relax, put you off  your stride and being dopey (it is caused by chance for being lazy and having intimacy which we are able to enjoy). Then we don't feel like doing anything and don't have even the tiniest intention to fulfil duties and pull ourselfs together. However, mostly the nature wins, only one twinkle in My eye (or in my slave's eye) and all is leaded onto the right line and somehow we can feel relation in air automatically.

And what all these things have in common with morning coffee? Well, only that if you want to make delicious coffee you need to know right proportions which after mixing will tickle the taste-buds in the unique way. To do that I need to learn how it should be brew in appropriate way, so getting know all that stuff is necessary for your coffee to be beverage which have perfect taste and without  which we wouldn't be able to imagine any morning... The same concern BDSM. It is necessary to get know each other, get used to each other, know the way how to create atmosphere suitable for revealing the deepest nature. And another important issue is to set rules, duties and all principles in correct way. The way that won't martyr each other but rather gradually teach, domesticate and achieve the next steps of initiation together. All these things should be beautiful, causing joy and  making feelings and relationship deeper and closer.
Which I wish for all of readers.

P.S. Maybe I'm to introduce myself – so I'm E and part of posts on this blog refer to me ;)
P.S.2. Sorry for my English too, it's still not the best.