Hopelessness

I think that I just find a place for moaning, I swear...

Yesterday night killed me, and kept me killed for half of today. And I
think I'm sick of today. My Master said that my reaction for his acting shocked him in negative way.

I hate the negative shocking. For heaven's sake, I always do my best!

When he didn't like the way I looked at him, he decided to punish me for that. Of course, it was something LIKE a punishment, because he spanked me and yanked at my hair - just for showing that he don't like what I did.

But what I did? Although I definetly had perfect mood for situation like that, I took it personally. Result? Huddled myself, biting my lips as long as the blood didn't come up. I said sorry, and hugged him. And that was it. Nothing more happend. But - what could. After that I lost all my mood for fun or playing. And also he - noticed my reacion.

When I relaxed that far I could explain him , why I reacted like that way, he said he was surprised by my reaction.

I know I replay that phrase so many times, but it touched me a lot.

He said, that in the past I would overthinking what the hell I had done wrong that my Master didn't like it and not that I was treated unfair. And he's right. I would do that...

Do I set too high standards after so long break? Or maybe my moaning taking over my submission? I don't know that. And I really don't like it.

Yesterday crying-night I consider closed, and morning words of my Master (let's try everything again since 18th November, 10:36 am?) as a... hm... grudge...

Yet he knows me! And he definetly knows that I'm trying to fix all it up for really long time. And that's why I feel down in the dumps today.

Because again it failed. Again flap. Failure... In every single issue, although I'm trying so hard...

I'm not the person who can loose.