I was kneeling next to bed, with face hidden in hands, and I didn't think. About anything. Totally nothing. No reaction, no reflection. I got more and more swats, and... Like I wouldn't be there...
Nisha hide somewhere inside me. Deep... I can't ignore the association with scene from "The Host", when Wanda realises that she totally can't hear Melanie in her head, and being in deadly fear trying get her out of there (people who didn't see the movie yet, forgive me :)). Nisha disappeared. And you know what...? I'm not able to find her!
Since moment, when I was waking up Master, and everything was... Just not right. I was to wake him up, and he woke up by his own - before I woke up, so he decided that he wan't some caress instead of what I was to do. And he realized his desire. I'm his Slave! Is there any place for problem with that?! Em... How you can see, there was a problem.
Nisha totally didn't like the situation. Barking-issue and these one... That seems to make her run away to other room in my head and lock the door. Even good spanking didn't get her out.
And what is the worst? One sentence...
- Did you like what have just happend?
- No...
- I was trying to make it nice for you... Did it hurt?
- Yes...
- Have you felt that it was punishment?
- Yes...
- Are you apologetic...?
- <I shrugged my shoulders. >
- Do you feel like being obedient?
- No...
I'm stupid. For as long as I remember - I was stupid. As a child I was crying the loudest not when I didn't like the gift - it wasn't relevant. Problem was when I knew that my parent's were doing their best to fit my liking, and find the present which I will love. And they failed. And how the hell I could didn't like the actuall present if they were trying?!
And here it worked quite the same. The thought that Master was doing his best to do me a pleasure, and the only I could do was contemplation me "not-being-there", made me not want to stand up from the floor.
Ladies and gentelman! In ranking of the worst events, second plaaacee gooot:
PANIC!
Yep... Fear that this louse, Nisha won't step out of that room never ever and die there because of starvation. I'm worrying that maybe the lock is broken or some other unbelievable accident happend and she can't go out.
I'm always scared... At the very moment when I can't fit the atmosphere.... I panic. That it is over - again, that I'm not submissive enough, that I'm slut as long as it easy to take and then I poop out and billion other "thats"... And one the most important. That I loose my Master.
Why? How long you can start something over and over again.. From the very begging.
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