Effect of Master's mercy

In woman's life (in that case in my life) coming the moment, when she didn't cook the dinner. Master is mad and general would be better to steer clear of him; Rabbit trying to sniff each thing which isn't allowed for him to touch, only to make me look at him. Even for a moment. Some young girl inform me about stuff which are quite important for her life, and do whatever you want to solve those issues. Ah, dammit, it's so good to be supported by the closest people.

And everything would be pink with white unicorns jumping around, if not the fact that dire PMS came to me. I don't know if there is any so anoying guest as that meany sweanish, ornery crud! ***. It is not enough that everything hurts me, and Master didn't even touch my right boob yet, and the left one is moaning because the right one did.  And it also isn't enough that I'm so lazy that wasn't I never ever before.

Without spanking, I'll confess that my Master have the last panties in his drawer (rest is dirty), and I went out of home without bra, cause it didn't left any to wear, with information for me that  I HAVE TO do some laundry. I woudn't even mention the heap of clothes in hamper, which is higher that the washing machine already. For last few days we have lived on buns with chocolate (which made my mother) and pasta with strawberries and cream. My carnivorous Master is getting iritated, and today he  ascertained that he want a beefsteak, which shows how desperate he is, and how long he has been without his meat.

What was the effect?

Mercy of my Master and Owner got at an all-time high to say:

- From tommorow we're starting to straight all issues we need to straight. We start from the way we eat, we end on how you do my commands. I don't care about Nisha and if she's in her room or not, she can stay there as long as she want, but YOU have to do whatever I'll tell you to do. And in the way, which they are to be done.

It's not so bad in
my house yet. 

And because of that and stress which came from that sentence, I erased all "animals" I cultured on our kitchen's counter (who knew, that leaving two bowls in sink full of water can bring so interesting biological results), I cleaned up all dirty dished and if it wouldn't be a holiday, I would vacumclean. Duh! Master got his fried supper, so at once He got happier ;)

Conclusion?

Sometimes, only threat of whiping, caning and flogging is enough to make better attitude, point of view and what ever can be better :)

*** In common language (polish), we call period as an "auntie".  That why I called pms as a guest.

Vanilla sex

Candles... Smell of THOSE perfumes... Intense craving... Two burning from desire bodies... Eh - vanilla almost kicked you - didn't she? And what?

And, blimey, nothing! Of course for the first 20 minutes - as I do - ohs and ahs, how good and romantic it was. Time is running up. And Nisha? She didn't miss any ocasion to bite Master's fingers ;) Conclusion? Pure long-term vanilla just doesn't work for me.

The better I'm getting know my psyche the more shocked I am.

Since moment, when Nisha went into her own room, I don't need ANY sex - vanilla or not. But, dammit, for how long you can survive without sex?! The more desire is coming, the more Nisha shows up.

Question number one: is there any connection with my PMS?

Question number two: does Nisha live only on desire and craving?

Question numer three: will I ever know the answers?

I suppose that nobody knows the answer on third question. No matter of that, I was pushed by some mistique power to confess Master that I sined a bit. Reaction? Immediate consequences and punishment. Effect? Some not nice feelings, but... If you look at it from the perspective, I would do that again. I mean - I would confess,  not sined :D

Social opinion

What should be tha main opinion? Common rules or what Master said? Rather rhetorical questional, but...

What if something wasn't accepted by society, but it is accepted and being enjoyed by Master? If I wen't out dressed in society unacceptable way, don't I do his credit? On the other hand - He is my Master, He can decide if this outfit is aproppriate or not, and if He cares about what the rest of society will think about how I look.

Because I didn't have the picture
which fit :) 

Maybe I should start from what does it MEAN that He is my Master, and following my own definition it
means that each decision which should be made I give to Him. The same with situation evaluation. So, if Master says that "X" is ok, it means it is ok? I suppose yes, but...

Giving him right of judgment, I didn't give Him my feelings. The fact that He likes i.e. an outfit, it doesn't mean that I also like it, despite the fact that I accept it.

It was the best example of talking about nothing, but I suppose that Master will want to ask me about some issues from that post :)

Am I put out with my Master?

When I was reading one of polish-language blogs I follow, I realise that feeling which are being created in my head are quite normal. And it's not so sick that I previously thought.

What does it mean to break the Slave? What is going on in her head? How it looks like from the biological side? Does the pain-limit is moved mechanicly?

I don't know... I don't think so that is happening mechanicly. It's rather impossible. In my opinion it's methodogical process of changing atittude. Why? Cause if Master piss me off I'm able to take three of four times more swats than normal, in quiet and without moaning and crying. I know - you would say that it's because of adrenaline. And I suppose you would be right, but... sometimes I think that similar situation is during "breaking" Slave's limits. I'm next to it. Absent. Of course - I can feel the pain, but I totally give up to it. I stop fighting and running away from that. The only think I dream of is to curl up and stay alone. But in this kind of situation there is no adrenaline or anything which would alleviate the pain. So... (But it's only my opinion and it doesn't mean I'm right :D), it's mean that all that is in my head and I can control it.

But... The post wasn't to be about that. Nisha is hidden. Although she step out of her room from time to time - she is put out with both of us, Master and me, and it doesn't seem that she's going anywhere from her room.

What the hell does it mean to be put out with the Master?! But yes... There is something like that...  And it isn't any methaphore.

Something in my mind has been touched. Nobody know why, and what it was caused by. Am I put out with my Master? No.. But I don't feel so self-confident and well when he touches me. I don't want to see his look. THE look. Conclusion? I wouldn't be myself if I didn't think that I sucked as a Slave.

The metaphore cross my mind. There is an old TV on the shelf. It whirs. Picture isn't clear. The only way to
make it better is to shoot at the TV's enclosure. If it didn't help, you should try again and everything is getting normal. And sometimes, the picture is messed up, because somebody stood up from the chair. Nobody knows the connection between the picture and the standing up. Floor's move? And nobody knows what changes inside the TV during shooting the enlcosure, but... It works.

Similar situation is with me. Master stood up - he didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything which touched me. He didn't hurt me. Duh! He didn't cross my limits. But something changed under my enclosure and I whir and hum instead of working as a good Slave... The worst is that in my head case, normal shooting doesn't work.

And... In that way, we came to the very moment when Master asks his Slave if sex at the morning is ok with her. This is THE fall.  Like falling from Sears Tower down to ground...

Master piece in my opinion... And Nisha's spanking

Maybe I'll start with good news!

Nisha steped out from her room. Today, she even agreed for little spanking! Duh! She realised that those few swats, which she get from Master was even not enough! Unfortunetly, as fast she steped out as fast she run back into her room and she still stay there.

I'm tired of being lazy..
Maybe I'll rest a bit...

But...! I'm not moaning - there is SOME progress. Maybe it's not the best I can do, but... HELLOU <!>,
you can't have everything at once and Rome wasn't built in a day.

I'm glad to say, that after 10 days off and then two weeks of school, I have... another 10 days off :) Yeah... It's so good to be a student :)

Because after some research I got know that I can't put linked miniature of the picture, because it would be infringement of the law, I'll put LINK.

That picture became my goal to achieve in my photography. I'm afraid I'm gung ho about making pictures :P

And because of that - my post we'll end up here.

Locked door to submission.

First of all, I'd like to say sorry for long absence :) I'm quite back.

---

I was kneeling next to bed, with face hidden in hands, and I didn't think. About anything. Totally nothing. No reaction, no reflection. I got more and more swats, and... Like I wouldn't be there...

Nisha hide somewhere inside me. Deep... I can't ignore the association with scene from "The Host", when Wanda realises that she totally can't hear Melanie in her head, and  being in deadly fear trying get her out of there (people who didn't see the movie yet, forgive me :)). Nisha disappeared. And you know what...? I'm not able to find her!

Since moment, when I was waking up Master, and everything was... Just not right. I was to wake him up, and he woke up by his own - before I woke up, so he decided that he wan't some caress instead of what I was to do. And he realized his desire. I'm his Slave! Is there any place for problem with that?! Em... How you can see, there was a problem.

Nisha totally didn't like the situation. Barking-issue and these one... That seems to make her run away to other room in my head and lock the door. Even good spanking didn't get her out.

And what is the worst? One sentence...

- Did you like what have just happend?
- No...
- I was trying to make it nice for you... Did it hurt?
- Yes...
- Have you felt that it was punishment?
- Yes...
- Are you apologetic...?
- <I shrugged my shoulders. >
- Do you feel like being obedient?
- No...

I'm stupid. For as long as I remember - I was stupid. As a child I was crying the loudest not when I didn't
like the gift - it wasn't relevant. Problem was when I knew that my parent's were doing their best to fit my liking, and find the present which I will love. And they failed. And how the hell I could didn't like the actuall present if they were trying?!
And here it worked quite the same. The thought that Master was doing his best to do me a pleasure, and the only I could do was contemplation me "not-being-there", made me not want to stand up from the floor.

Ladies and gentelman! In ranking of the worst events, second plaaacee gooot:

PANIC!

Yep... Fear that this louse, Nisha won't step out of that room never ever and die there because of starvation. I'm worrying that maybe the lock is broken or some other unbelievable accident happend and she can't go out.

I'm always scared... At the very moment when I can't fit the atmosphere.... I panic. That it is over - again, that I'm not submissive enough, that I'm slut as long as it easy to take and then I poop out and billion other "thats"... And one the most important. That I loose my Master.

Why? How long you can start something over and over again.. From the very begging.

Women dominance

Yesterday's evening:

O(wner): Today's to-do-list has been thrown out, but it will better for you, if tommorow you solve it a bit more effective than today. There won't be any "pleaaseee Master!!", is it clear?
M(e): Yeeep...

Today's evening:

O: Wow, it's one p.m. already... I didn't even realise when it passed. <THE look> You did your to-do-list, right?*
M: No, I didn't...
O: Are you kidding me?
M: No...

* <list should be done before midday>

And right now is about 9:40PM. My to-do-list? Em... Planning of preparing that is... In progress. Today's maintenance day has quite similar situation - died. And in this way I created two corpses: my to-do-list and maintenance day. And tommorow, my Master will create another ona corpse - ME!

From good news: we prepared a cake today. And yes - "we" was put there on purpose. I like when we do some stuff together. Especialy if it's something to eat. It's like a new toy. And yes - it's sooo fun.

And because in the kitchen usually I'm in the lead, I'm wondering how is it with dominance among the women. Where their cruealty and ruthlessness comes from. What I run into? Everything which is going on, comes from the nature. From history and biology we know, that the man "since" forever has been stronger and more responsible. The man was hunting, take care about family and decided about... em... When co-existence is going to happend :) And woman? She was quiet, shy, humbly. She was the one who was taking care about hearth and home.

And where in this kind of picture is place for proud lady in latex boots and whip in her hand? There is not... She can't fit obedient-women canon. And that make me think that dominance among women comes rather from somewhere out of nature. And from that fact comes the conclusion that desire connected with sadism and giving pain have to be stronger than need of being obedient, humbly, feeling the weaker one. And because of those stron feelings scruples have to be out. Turned off. There's the secret...

But.. Those are only my thought, and I don't have to be right. Untill now, nobody get me to think in any other way.

Not-submissively

Firstly I would like to boast about my weight. Today I received the new lowest weight during excersing-history! Good for me!

Yesterday to-do-list was created more or less an hour after it should be done. Duh! Some of her points were just ignored. Duh! The list land in the trush :)

Fortunetly the trush-landing  was made by my Master - I'm afraid that in every other case I wouldn't probably stay alive until today :D.

I would really like to describe why I'm so happy that everything is getting normal (because during last three
days it wasn't), but... I don't know what to write. It just was unnormal. Not-submissively.  Not-subordination(ly). Not-BDSM'ly. And at all - not. But it's getting normal...

I think that good spanking never ever hurt anyone. At least as form of discipline. As fast as human's bottom sore for a while, as cleariel thinking become, it's easier to be nice and kind to the rest of society and in general life is easier.

The problem is when you don't have good person to applicate this kind of discipline means. Then we run into the disease entity charming named as LBIN (Laziness+Bee In Nose).

At the end I put genre scene:

(all happend during I was applying ointment to my knee)

Me: Ugh! I didn't shave my knee yesterday!
Master: Ugh!
Me: But you never shave your knee, so it's mean that you are "ugh" all the time??
Master: Babe, go and do 30 sits-ups - please :>

One Owner for whole life..

- What would you do, if I was lost? If you didn't know am I still alive, where am I or whatever? Would you look for someone another for my place?

- You mean if you died?

- Yes. Or if you didn't have any news about me.

- I don't know how would I behave at real situation, but... I think that untill I wasn't sure that you're dead, I wouldn't be able to go on...

- And if you WAS sure, would you look for another Master?

- I suppose not. You can have many Masters during your life, but you can have just one Owner...

Just one Owner for all your life...

Leap year.

"Leap year" directed by Michael Rowe'a. Film from 2010. Is it in BDSM atmosphere? I suppose I can say that.

Laura is mentally broken. She has shoddy life, in shoddy city. Even about herself we can say she's shoddy. Movie begins when girl starting to mark reiteration date's on calendar, on the wall. Those marked one showed her the way to the last day of leap year's February. Until then, except having shodding life, at evenings she's going out and coming back each night with different guy. It stops, when to her appartment enters Arturo, who changes something - of course if living from meeting to meeting can be called as change. Only on those moments Laura is able to show at least minimum of interest about what is going on around her. Their relationship is getting to be strucked up. Each time he moves a step further along the border of fear and pain, but by implication he get her more addicted to him.

I won't tell you the end, but... For me it was rather positive, but for my Master all this picture was absolutely negative.

During the conversation with Owner about that film I notices that saying "what is done is done" is absolutely gibberish. Everything which happended in one's life, even the tiniest detail, about which we don't remember at all - is really important and influence one's personality and point of view. Especcialy those experiences, which were hard and important change everything.

But everything CAN be changed again - change reaction. For a long time I haven't been scared and haven't feel fear when Master closes car doors, when He touches me or even spank me in car. Mostly I even don't think about stuff I should think about.

I still know two things. Firstly, as far as I can reduce my reactions, make them more normall, I can't reduce or remove my recollection. The memories are always alive - even if I don't refresh them each day.

Second thing? With Him... Everything is possible.

Present for Master

How you already got know, recently I threw the book at my Master. I talked back so much, that I feel ashamed, when I think about it. I wouldn't even tell that woman, who's learning how to be a slave for so long already, could do stuff like that. But you know how it's working - PMS and stuff like that - Master throw the spark, and the slave stir the fire. And definetly it's not the fire of marbles.

Because yesterday my Owner made me realise that he wouldn't punish me that day, I decided that within the scope of compensation I would prepare him a surprise. Especially that recently we didn't have enough time to spend with each other, and He missed my body and moment to enjoy me to the full. According to that I prepared all stuff which He might like to use on me: our both whips, paddle, clasps, butt-plug, blindfold and the rest of our stuff. Even when I took a look in that side of our room I was stressed. I definietly wasn't in THE mood and my whole-hurting body and being mad because of PMS was making it even worse. Yes... Definietly it wasn't my day.

And I was waiting for Him. And waiting... And keep waiting. When you're waiting, minute are passing cruely slow and seconds become a eternity. At least - with hands in front of me and sticked out - I waited long enough. The sound of key in lock brought almost shaking each muscle of my body. My Master went into our place and in His normal pace was doing stuff, which you need to do when you're coming back home. For me it was like another eternity. Only I got was short "hello".

Then, He asked me to stand up and hugged me soo stron. Who other knows me the best and could know that this is what I need at that very moment. Only He could - my Master and Owner. When He was already clean and well-smelling, He made me to kneel in front of his legs, and - from time to time - touching my face, he started to talk. To talk about situation, which require to be solved and that I will be punished because of that; that I can't talk to him in the way I did yesterday, definietly not as His slave; that I didn't solved each task from my to-do-list and that he want to ejoy me to the full and when He would do that, then I would be punished for all what I did.

- Do you know, that what will happend in the moment won't be neighter pleasing nor light?

He didn't make me feel better with that, but I was His gift and surprise so I was for Him, and how He will use that gift... I had nothing to do with that decision.

It have been started quite drastic. Clasps on my labias (those tinier) is something which I wasn't able to take. At least it is what I thought. But, as usual - He knows me better. He knew that I can endure that. And I did. The further we got, the worse it was getting to be. Clasps on my nipples, deep throat, in which I'm still not the best ( and btw I hate that name). I achieved more that ever...
I mastered technic of controling the pain. Although each cell of my body was overcomed with pain... I didn't react. I threw it away from my consciousness.

Sometimes I'm dreaming about throwing away his belt. I don't know if my bottom wouldn't feel ofended by that, but.. My pussy would rather thank me for that. Untill the moment my Owner didn't use it on Her, I was able to stay calm, next to the pain. That was my limit, I couldn't get out of myself anymore and sob get out of my mouth, my legs automatically got crossed and I gave up totally. I didn't have any more strenght to pull myself together.

- Spread your legs.
- ....
- Spread. Your. Legs. Now.

When I made myself to open my eyes i and see His look... He gave me the strenght, which I needed. The strenght, which I should have for pull myself together and do what He wanted me to do. I was weeping spasmodically with legs spreaded and I surrended. At least I was submitted to what He prepared for me. That feeling, when you finally stop fighting is... beggare description. Totally depencende and devotion... Mysthic relation...

But the most beautiful is that I know, that He knew that. He felt the moment, when I surrended myself.

- Stop crying. Deep breath. Exhalation. Breath in...Exhalation... Breath in...  Good girl.

And then.. He fucked me. At least at the beggining, cause then He...  was making love with me... And then he let me cry... As loud and stron as I would like. In his strong arms...

- I love you. I'm proud of you, my slave! And because I'm so proud, you won't be punished today.

And when He let me go to clean myself ( I don't know why, but I went out of water so.. tottery that I couldn't keep my muscles calm) he wrapped me in the quilt and made tea for me.. And a bun.. With ham and cucumber.

And when I cuddled to his arm I was apologizing to my Master... For bad attitude and behaviour... For I didn't do like a Slave...

Delicate materia and the right for changes

What owning something is? What the incontestable right to anything is?

Can I broke something which belongs to me? Throw it away? Change it? - Yes, I can!

Can I do it with impunity? No – never!

Each action is associated with consequences which must be suffered. Because life is not easy, hardly ever the exact consequence is known.

If we undertake to have a slave, then we also decide on huge responsibility (I'm writing rather about DD and about all 24/7 relationships, not about only-bed-relationship). The reality is that all Domin's actions change the slave, form her and teach her because she should fit to Master (and sometimes when he has wider life exprerience he also adapt slave to the word around her). What he teaches her, and in what way he does so depend on concrete couple and what BDSM/DS/MS/DD/etc is for them or what they want it to be. For me the relationship is intimacy, concern for wife/slave and the way I enjoy life with her. But it is also my dominion, authority and responsibility, I probably cannot do more for being sure that all is being leaded onto the right line by me.

However, sometimes I don't have willingness to teach anyone anything; sometimes after tough day I only want to have fun, play with my property, use her; sometimes I expect something from her - and I also have the right to do that. Sometimes I'm doing the thing only for my whim - because I can! Duh, why I shouldn't be able to? After all, for the rest of time I take care of her, I care about her and I'm satisfying her (What is intresting, that even if I use my property, then I also teach her and give her a pleasure ). I don't have to expound anything, maybe it's some mysterious lesson and I will explain it oneday; maybe it is only my whim - I have the right to do things how I want them to be done and I expect full obedience regaddless of understanding my motivation by my slave or not.

I'm not infallible, but I don't know anyone who is;) There are issues I deal with in wrong way - but my submissive also has chance to give her opinion. She can says anything, to show what does she think (if not immediately, then she can share her feelings later, so my knowlegde would be wider next time). But always she should do it in correct way and appropriate form.

She also isn't perfect - she has (as I do) shortcomings and bad days, but then she will be punished for bad behaviour. Why? Because everyone bears the consequences. When I have bad day and I do something wrong I also bear it (e.g. I have to look at sad slave, broken slut; I look at slave who is sick of everything - I suppose also of me; and when I really breake something I will be physicaly or spiritually treating my slave by many weeks or months).

But if we want to know all these stuff, if we want to know consequences, if we want to be able to cope with that - we must learn how to talk (it is begining of everything) - in appropriate form and way,to listen each other. It is our lesson and we must learn it, do our homework - but it is the thing which we will be learning whole life.

If this is the way how it works in our relation, so what the fault is? In D/s Dominant can demands anything and Submissive should do everything what she's able to do (cause it is her role) to be equal to it and if she has a problem then she can tell Master, asks him or even begg him. Submissive put themselfe in this role, this is the reason which make her feel fulfitmented and also make her feel good about accomplished responsibility. Master can teach her and play with her in that way. But all opinions in our life are subiectively - slave (as well based on reaction of his Master) judges how good she fulfit her duty. Master also judges it by knowing his slave and there are situations when despite the fact how many efforts she made he can punish her - because goal wasn't achieved, because her efforts weren't enough (in his opinion), because he expected his property to do much more or once again he wanted to teach her something. And again - he has the right to do that and he can explain his slut the issue, but he doesn't have to:)

Totally fair punishment

I'm your... And what should I do?

Let's imagine the situation. Just imaginary. We have some rules. I.e let's call it to-do-list. Çause I had some stuff to do, I wasn't able to complete tasks from that list, because you asked me for doing some other stuff - totally excluding one another.

Admittedly you're not mad at me, but... You are going to punish me... As a matter of fact, you're right. I didn't make task done, but... It wasn't my fault. I just wasn't able to do that.

I trust you. I really do. I trust that you're fair and whatever you're doing, you are doing for our good. But... What should I learn from that lesson? How can I cope with that giant feel of injustice??

Wr... I'm so, so, so mad!

Not because of these damn punishment, no! I am, because of our conversation! We can't talk not to piss off each other! I know - PMS stuff and so on...

PMS time and breaking-confines-day

THE time is coming... THE time, when I will be mean, awful and angry with EVERYTHING. Yesterday morning was a great prelude from what is going to happend next:

- You will be late for work.
- Sweetie, I already left, can't you see?? (I need to add that He was in our living room and was definietly not prepared yet)
- Yeah, I can see.
- Do you have any problem?
- Yes, 'cause you require me to be always on time, and you are not!
- Are you able to understand that I don't have to be on exact time at work? NOT HAVE TO.
- I know...
- So you just shouldn't care about that.
- Oh, really?? OK - if want so...
- Ok, sweetie I'm leaving. But can I advice you something?
- Mhm...
- When you'll pee, be carefull.
- Why??
- Cause the bee which you have in your ass can fly out and sting your nose! ***
- Wrr!

Few hours later on Skype...

- Am I in trouble?
- A little...
- I think I shouldn't be (yeah, yeah, I know - a suicide)
- Oh, really? We'll talk about it when I'll come back home.
- Em... You know, I'll rather go to do some cleaning.

And that's how I am doing recently. Trying to keep the paddle away from a bottom while my mean alter ego doing her best to get me in trouble.

---

I love when Master takes care about me. He's my guardian and protector. Yesterday he made me to go sleep without completing my to-do-list's tasks. He saw how my eyes were closing and how tired I was. And because of that He made the decision. I suppose that my well-done duties had something in common with that fact, but... I would like to think that it was because I'm sooo good-behaving and obedient and because I'm doing great with my PMS (ok, I'm not - but can't I lie myself a bit?).

Recently, Owner asked me what do I think about having the day, during which we should break some confines. I always wanted to do that, but... When I have to face it... I'm a bit scared. The decision was made, but... It's so scary! Although I (!) told Master that I wanted to cross some lines, I'm not so sure about it anymore.

But - as usual - I suppose it just look so bad and it will be great. He knows me better, right?

*** In my country there is saying that if anybody was really mad and angry, they had had bees in their ass :)

Punishment for missed points of slave's to-do-lists.

As you can see, Master joined me on blogging which I'm soo happy about. And I love how his posts will look like!

---

- Bring me the paddle and whip.
- But... I don't want to now...
- I know. But bring it. You know what you have to be punished for?
- Yes... I know... For everything...

I didn't want to make him angry with me either, so I brought it...

- Stand up, grasp your ankles.

I wasn't even naked. He just lowered my pants and took the paddle. First few swats was... Rather bearable. Not to hard. Hurt, but no too much. But... Then they got stronger. And harder. And I wasn't able to keep my balance... When he sat next to me I breathed a sigh of relief.


- Ok... So warm up is over.

WHAT?! WARM UP??? - of course I didn't say that. How could I show that what he's doing hurt. No way!


- Lean your hands on the bed. So... You was late for going to bed like an hour yesterday, but half of it was my fault... And you was late with your project... Have you put it on your to-do-lists regularly?
- Yes I did...
- And you was postponing it until you had one-day delay?
- Yes...
- So... It's something about 15 swats for all, isn't it?

And he started the torture... He was running the paddle over my bottom soo slow and delicate... I couldn't stand  the stress that the swat can come anytime. Each time when the paddle dragged away from my skin I holded my breath. That's the worst part... Waiting...

Waiting was over, when he embraced me and gave some soooo stron and soooo hard and fast swats that I couldn't stop screaming although his request for being quiet. Three more swats and he asked me to lay down on bed sticked out with my hands extended. And... STARTED HIS TORTURE AGAIN! Slow moves and ticking with the paddle and with his fingers drove me crazy... Then he took a whip and gave me rest of what I earned.

- Kneel with hand behind your head. If you want to resign from any point of your list, you have to ask. And if you are late for any task which you can postpone, you won't be able to either postpone anything anymore or I will make you to ask about each putting thing off. You don't have to go sleep on 10:30 if you don't want to, but... You have to ask for permission. You got me?

Nodding.

- Good. Has punishment been very painful?
- Yes...
- You wasn't like doing it, was you?
- No I wasn't...
- Me neighter. That was for today. Maybe we'll come back to it on maintenance day. Remember that, cause you still have whole week in front of you ;)

Weekend off and morning coffee - Master's post

Life if full of duties (and pleasure), full of needs (and craving) – for not get lost in tangle of ways created by body and mind, we try to prevail over that, control it. I suppose it is the most difficult thing and somebody who had to go to WC so hard or had only craving for favorite food (after 3 months of diet) should agree with me.

Control oneself in that case depend on power of will, character (sometimes also on strong sphincter ;)). When there are many situations like these we need rest and change... But sometimes we have a problem, because it's impossible to run away from our nature. How many times short-tempered person wants take a break and have a cool head without any stresses and nerves (yeees I exactly know what I'm writing about:>).

Just as in BDSM... If only relationship is natural, comes  from characters (both, submissive and dominant) then it is very hard to run away from it and take a break – despite the fact that sometimes  desire for change and rest comes. But the only I need is any twinkle in my slave's eye and it kindle a little flame in me which, like a fire, takes over my whole body – and that is the point where change-and-rest-thing is over. The same with the scowl or THE tone of voice. It causes that she feels weak at her knees and not knowing why, how and when she got on them.

Weekend after hard working week causes increase of desire of chill and relax, put you off  your stride and being dopey (it is caused by chance for being lazy and having intimacy which we are able to enjoy). Then we don't feel like doing anything and don't have even the tiniest intention to fulfil duties and pull ourselfs together. However, mostly the nature wins, only one twinkle in My eye (or in my slave's eye) and all is leaded onto the right line and somehow we can feel relation in air automatically.

And what all these things have in common with morning coffee? Well, only that if you want to make delicious coffee you need to know right proportions which after mixing will tickle the taste-buds in the unique way. To do that I need to learn how it should be brew in appropriate way, so getting know all that stuff is necessary for your coffee to be beverage which have perfect taste and without  which we wouldn't be able to imagine any morning... The same concern BDSM. It is necessary to get know each other, get used to each other, know the way how to create atmosphere suitable for revealing the deepest nature. And another important issue is to set rules, duties and all principles in correct way. The way that won't martyr each other but rather gradually teach, domesticate and achieve the next steps of initiation together. All these things should be beautiful, causing joy and  making feelings and relationship deeper and closer.
Which I wish for all of readers.

P.S. Maybe I'm to introduce myself – so I'm E and part of posts on this blog refer to me ;)
P.S.2. Sorry for my English too, it's still not the best.

No-Master's warrant and morning coffeé.

When I woke up I knew it was later than I should have woken up, but... I had had a dream. I was all His in my head. And that dream make me lay still and wait until He'll wake up. With my hands folded over my head, and spread legs. Nothing easier, right?

As always when I have vision of our morning play everything changes so fast that there's nothing left from my idea. And that's what happened today. Firstly, when I was still dreaming, my nose started to itchy. At the beggining I decided to ignore it, but after a minute I couldn't stand it, and I scratched it. From then on, everything should have been just perfect, but... I felt small convulsions of Master. He had to have a bad dream... So I gave up my idea and make Him calm down. I huged him close and after few minutes I woke up...

Morning started from coffeé must be the best morning. I have never drunk coffeé, as it transpired, I wasn't able to make good one. Recently I set myself a goal to learn how to make and now my each day starts from coffeé. Or rather milk with coffeé.

Yesterday we'd got a small talk about maintenace day. It starts from next Saturday. Maybe I imagined it a bit in different way, but I like what He figured out. For us it would be moment, when Master will got straight my attitude. Remind me where my place is and who owns me. I'm afraid that it can be tough but I hope that my attitude to straighting attitude will be fine.

That's kind of weird that I'm quite poor about being slave and organised when Owner is at home. I'm doing definetly better when He comes home after not being in. And my subbmisive feelings are better then. I have no idea why it's working in this way, but... It is and I have to work on that.

Funny is that it's working better too, when He sleeps, lol. His presence have to distract me so much that I can't concentrate on my stuff.

Correction of pancakes-post and explanation.

Because of my To-do-list I had to write this post yesterday, because I had said I will. But... Because it was full of mistakes so I changed it a bit and add some explanation. I hope it won't be boring to read it again ;)

---

It's not the first time, when I run into saying that having D/s relation take aways fights from relationship. As far as punishment doesn't take looong time to give me the lesson, I'm being spanked and that's all about the issue. We don't have to argue or fight  or blame each other with anything.

But it's not only being encounted from duties. Today's dinner was totally disaster. According to Murphy's law, everything what could go bad, went horrible. I was making pancakes and... Firstly I had minced meat for stuffing, and after that I had cleaned my food processor and put it into the cabinet totally forgotting about pancake's dough. Then I had put my pancake's paddle into dishwasher and I had turned it on so I wasn't able to turn the pancakes, then when I had tried to do something with them (during frying) by fork they had become completly devastaded. I got so angry and dispirited... Seeing my discouragement Master came and helped me with those damn pancaces. He was awsome with that! He didn't use any tool, just throwing them into the air and catch only with pan. So... Yes - he helped me. With saying help, I mean rather do it instead of me.

- You're the master of doing pancake's without pancake's paddle!

- I know <with face of 12 year old boy, who solve the problem of his own>

- And you solved the pancake-issue. And saved our dinner.

- I know <the same as higher>. But that's what I am here for. You're not the only one who is responsible for everything. There are two of us and when you are low, I am to help you.

He's so... carefull about me. Today, like on any other day, I see how much He's doing to me and how many good stuff I got, cause we had been in D/s relationship. And I'm definetly not saying about pancakes :)

I can't stand winter anymore. I mean... I love it, but every piece of my skin is sooo dry that few days ago I looked like some moronic vampire. I bite myself, but in some weir way that I got two drops of blood in opposite sides of lip. I looked like if I bite my own lips, and tried to suck my own blood off. That looked... Weird.

Desire and DD

No matter how hard I would try to explain that there is no connection between DD and sexual desire, I'm not able to prove that.

Punishment is always what it should be, but there are situations when it's more aceptable or when there doesn't exist any way to take it. In my situation it usualy depend on my desire. The more horny I am the more pleasure I'm taking from the punishment. Of course if Owner didn't took the idea of some educational punishment like daily reports, which I have already mensioned on the blog.

I don't know is there any connection between biological side of body and the way of taking pain, but... The thing I know is that I prefer to want punishment instead of praying for it's end.

Nevertheless, it works only for masochists. For "normall" spanking is a pain, and everything is on it's own place. Then I can tell that the punishment is the punishment.

People says that in D/s there's no punishment. I agree. Usualy it's some help to change point of view.

If I tell my Master that I'll do something and I don't - even if Master doesn't require it from me - I feel like I need to be punished. No punishment? I suppose that not having punishment would be the worst punishment of all...

Evening spanking

I'm starting my 10 days holidays and I started it with small evening spanking.

That was some new experience for me. Usual spanking was rather a punishment than something nice. Of course I liked it (almost each), but it always had hurt. This time was different. Master used paddle and His
hand and started soft. Because usualy His aim was to give me pain I was so surprised when I felt that He rather tickled me than spank! After short warm up He speeded up and after a while He got to the point when He used to start. Did warm up change anything? Everything! That was really pleasant...

Recently we're taking some more photos during our playtime and I collect them on my laptop. As I wrote I'm taking look on them... And I like them! Especially I love the way my bottom looks like when it's sooo red.

Master said that if I behave as I am behaving recently, He'll be spanking me (not as kind as He did today) every single day after coming back from work. I suppose that my irritation has just irritated my Owner :)

Overthinking and deep throat

I hate to overthink stuff... I hate it, and always do it! It's already kind of rule of mine :)

Today I woke up Master, and He was definetly in the mood.

That's quite weird that feeling submissive not goes with being horny for me. It's not even goes with have light of desire for sex. I can feel sooo His, but if He touched me, I would be able to kill somebody. It drives me crazy... AS so many things recently...

Because I follow some blogs, I can see that something not good is in the air. Why? Many of women confess that they are so irritated recently and being submissive became a bit hard to achieve. Maybe it's too long winter or something different with the weather, but it's a fact.

I need have had the day-off. If not today's overthinking I would be so energized. At least for today.

So let's cope with overthinking issue and the title. My master announced me that today will be kind of trainning for me. We would train me as a slave and my skills about deep throat. But my rebel-spirit went out and I confessed that I hate when he announce me something some time before it actually happening. It's like planning sex, which is... the worst for me. And because I said that, we had to discuss it which of course was so hard for me. I suppose I have planning and overthinking as much as I hate discussing planning and my overthinking.

So we did... And I didn't like it. After that I always feel guilty, and the worst slave ever... If it's not enough I feel like I did hurt Him. And make Him feel stupid... No matter how long he would tell me that he really appreciate my opinion, and that He want to make me feel good and happy.

I hope that the thing which make us feel soo in not correct place will disappear soon.

How some stuff can change the way in which we are looking on ourselfs. I put the ring on my thumb, which I didn't wear for ages. And because yesterdays holiday, I straighted my hair. And because those two, today when I take a look into the mirror I felt again as a guitarrist not the housewife, which I felt myseld for so long.

So if you saw me with guittar and doing some weird moves with it, remember - that's because of the ring :P Is it magic or something? Maybe I should look for some slave-ring instead of guittarist-ring :)

Totally day-off

Recently I wrote that Master allowed me to have the day-off. Today is my second day-off. So "off" that He let me stay home today! If it isn't enough He told that I HAVE TO do ONLY things I want to do and nothing else. I was so surprised and... so touched. I felt so much that He takes care about me... And not only about my physical condition but also about my mental condition. I love Him so much...

He also took idea from some blogs which He follows. Idea of maintenance day. It didn't take place yet, but... I'm not sure that I should be happy with that. It's rather scares me. I'm barely taking thirty swats and what happend when I earn more? How I would stand it?

No matter how much I love him, He drives me crazy recently. Especially when He shows his dominance. Maybe it is connected in some way with need of day-off... Or kaya has infected me with her irritation. I hope it'll go away soon enough.

Yesterday naked-waiting wasn't so bad I expected it to be. Maybe except that Master slapped my face few times. No matter how much I would like to say that it was unfair, it was... definetly fair. And even not enough. Because I am who I am, I started to cry. I always do when He's slapping my face. It's stronger than me. Escpecially when it's more than two swats or if they are strong. Yesterday there was about five and strong ones. And what I heard?

- I like when you cry, Ni...

If someone heard that, would think that Master is psychopath or so :-) But even in those words was a lot of love and taking care.

- You know why do I like when you cry?

Because I'm not quite good speaker when I cry, I only shaked my head.

- I do, because when you cry you throw all your stress and suspense out. Your mood is better after crying. - then He made small break - do you know why did I slapped you?

I changed my shaking into nodding.

- Not because you didn't put your pills on the list. I did it, because I should punish you for that really hard and I suppose that today you could have a bit problem with taking that, am I right?

Again nodding.

- So that's why I had to do that. For not punishing you in different way.

I've felt my cheek for a while yet, reminding me about what has just happend. When I had prepared dinner I put those damn pills on the list and enjoyed spending time with Owner... So grateful for His care and love... But then...

My iritation came back :(

"Wait for me naked"

Waking up Master is recently my most important and loved duty (important, which I put on myself). The second on my "favourite-duties-list" is waitting for Him, when He's coming back from work. Usualy I do some stuff in the kitchen, and when He comes and I can hear the key in door,  I just take myself into position and wait for Him to went in. But today, Owner asked me to wait for Him in the same way, but naked.

I still don't know what I feel about that. And how I will react when it will happend. I'm weird and there are some stuff which are problem for me - just for me, cause for normall people it's something everyday and common. But I decided to cope with them, and I hope I will achieve it.

After today's blogs review I was shocked to hear that someone can take over one thousand of swats at one time! It's like... Something unbelievable for me! I'm squeezing after only thirty. I ofcourse know that not every spankings are equals, but still... No matter how soft they would be, thousand swats is... Terrifying.

Recently, my Master took some pictures of me. The first one was only to show me how many bruises last spanking has left, but rest was made just to have it - I'm naked on them and holding my ankles and the picture is made from my backside, so I thought I would hate them! But Owner asked me to save them, so I prepared a special folder, and from time to time I'm taking a look on the photos. I always was the enemy numer one of this kind of pictures, but... I have to admitt that I enjoy watching those. Maybe I still don't look in way I'm working on, but... It's so submissive and... humble? I don't know... I just like them.

I have to go, cause if I'll miss another tram today, there will be chance to make another picture of bruises :)

Getting used to being slave

That's amazing how fast I got used to being a full-time slave. Maybe it's too strong said, but I can't stand Him being so vanilla for some longer recently. He doesn't have to be serious, but... not vanilla... Just not!

It's so hard to make me happy :)

At the morning I asked Master to give  me the "day-off". I had wanted to be so sweet and innocent girl for Him. I love being a bit childish, and making him to take care of me more than usual. He'd agreed and had started being vanilla. At the beginning it was even quite funny and it was something new after few days of concrete relations and working on them. But when we'd got home it started getting me more and more annoyed about his being vanilla. I tried to provocate Him a little or turns Him up, but... Only I got was being laughed of cannot being without his dominance more than half a day :)

We've got an idea, recently. To make our D/s relation closer and more tight, we bought some kind of tag to my bracelet. Because both of us are really emotional about being together as marriage so in our everyday life there is many vanilla interludes and to separate time when we are partly kinky and vanilla, we bought kind of symbol to make everything clear at the very moment. When Master attache tag to my bracelet, I know that I have to follow some rules - like not keeping my legs together - which normally are useless and disturbing. It doesn't mean I'm not submissive in our everyday life. I am. But it's mixture - vanilla and D/s. Recently we even saying something about DD, but it's still on overtalking level.

The tag means a lot for me. I know I got it, because Owner decided I can bear with that and it won't stop me from being ready for Him all the time. And the tag is just cute... I love how it looks on my hand and how Master looking on me when I'm having that.

Quite funny is that the tag is a padlock, which also means something for me. Have some message for both of us. At least for me :) Having that makes me closer do Master, make me more submissive and... There're so many feeling I've got about that, that I cannot even realise most of them. But yes - I definetly like it and that has been, more or less, one of the best ideas for last several weeks.

To-do-list for a slave

Because I triple forgot to do some stuff, which my Master had asked me for, I was asked to prepare daily to-do-list, which I will be accounted for.

I still remember writting report on my days, when we met at the very begging :-) Because He asked me to write only few words about what I had done during the day and I had pretty big problem not to forget about that, we came into point, when I had to wrote 15 000 lettering per one report. I hated that after some time. Furthermore, I couldn't bear with that at all. Not because I wasn't able to do that, but because I was too disorganised. 

I recall that, because my to-do-list are quite the same. But because I went through reports, I can see how many things my Master has taught me since then. I can say that I even LIKE my list now! Maybe I shouldn't, cause it should have been a punishment, but... I really like it. It makes me think about Him all the time and feel more save about stuff I'm to do for Him. 

Punishment... Hmm... I'm not sure if it was the aim of this one :) 

Humbly lowered eyes...

There are moments in woman's life when she just can't toe the line, in no way. Escpecially, if her other half respect her feelings, the situation i s pretty hard. What the dominance without dominance is for me?

I never thought that I would be able not to savour his dominance. I love it, and never ever I wouldn't tell him that I don't want it anymore. I'm dreaming about him being overbearing. Worse is when into our relation coming physical contact and increased effort. When those two elements comes, in some vague way, mental aspect of our D/s is being dimmed. Yet this mental aspect is the most important for me. Is the thing which turns me on.

Sometimes I'm wondering, where's the border - what can be done and what kind of action bring negative reactions. Of course saying that He "cannot do something" would be far from true. I can't forbid him anything. He's my Master, my Owner; but He rates me highly (something's wrong with that expression :/), and takes efforts not to see only my devotion, but also obtuseness and whims.

The sens of that is in concrete elements. If today I throw coin into the fountain and it something desired and good, but tommorow I'll throw the same coin into the same fountain and it would be breach of law, the third day I wouldn't be able to recognize what to do and what is right - throwing the coin or not.

Unfortunetly, we have to cope with similar problem as coin-issue. How to identify if the action is desired, if two days ago it had been something awful and yesterday was deeply wanted. I hope we will cope with that - I'm sure :) Unless we do there's nothing more than humbly lower my eyes and wait what was prepared for today for me...

Mother's care.

Today, while I was kneeling on the kitchen's floor and my eyes were lowered and I was  waitting for my Master; I was contemplating what would my mather say if she did see me in this kind of situation. I was wondering would she understand what relation is between me and my husband.

Second thought I made while I was waitting, was about erotic life of our potential offspring. Mainly, I was interested in that if I like our daughter to be a slave as her mother. Conclusion? I do, on the condition that she would have appropriate Master. Noone knows better than I do, how dangerous randomly looking for a Dom could be. Checking "does this one is perfect for me, howfar I don't have to continue that, I can leave every single moment" it's not such a good idea. Maybe it's sounds idiotically, but all depends on what age you're starting with this kind of relations, you can get stuck on so many dangers. The worse is that if some tragedy had happend, you wouldn't have anybody to share it with. Because "how could I say anybody how perverted am I?"

To the exclusion of that aspect of submission, I think that gains from slavery are farther more valuable than dangers, which, at all, don't have to happend (which of course doesn't make anyone to skip EVERY SINGLE way to protect yourself).

I've many times wrote here, that I've got a lot from being submissive, how many things I've learnt and how many thing were made easier for my, because I'm His. I think we would feel that we failed about being parents, if our child after ten years of her sexual life would be in point, when her husband would like to "make love"with her, but only under the quilt and with light off. I don't know if exist any woman, who doesn't need real fucking, at least from time to time.

Perhaps wondering how sexual life of our children will look when they'll grow up is a bit sick. And if anybody would call it in that way, I won't argue with him a lot :)  However, analising what good stuff could happend to our children in the future, brings me to think that D/s relationship would be one of those things.

Mainly, I was thinking about woman-submission, because of my persuasion but also if our son would become a Dom, I don't think he would loose anything. Benefits from this kind of relationship for dominant are simply the same than for slave - at least in generally way of thinking. For certain it learn responsibility and after this feature comes whole gamut of features which are helpfull in the life.

Results of the punishment

"What have you learnt from today's punishment?"

This kind of questions could be pretty annoying. I'm sure that nobody likes pointing out his mistakes, but it can let yourself realise some stuff. First of all - what that punishment had learnt me. At least that is the reason why we are being punished. The most interesting is that every time when my Master want to reprove me, I learn something different. Rarely happens that I don't learn anything new - even if I'm punished for the same thing for the fifth time. Every time, I got know something new about myself, and about my Master and his attitude to many different things.

So... What have I learnt? The most important lesson I got is that no matter how hard I believe that I'm strong enough to control my body and reactions, I have to admit that He is the person who control that - not me. He knows me the best and knows how much I can endure, how hard pain He inflicts me, and how far from next level of pain I am. Many times I was doing my best to endure all the punishment in the way I suppose He would be proud of. The results were pretty diversified, but I know that the result depended only on what effect my Master wanted to achieve.

And also because of that consideration I even further appreciate what and how much of work my Master put in my education. Education of being perfect slave for him.

Because I appreciate his efforts, I learnt also something else. To listen. REALLY listen (as I read recently on the blog). And when I already heared, I have to set store by what did he say. Is it what I mainly had to learn from that punishment? I don't know. I suppose (I've never asked), that my Owner's aim is to learn me many things at once. I have to admit that He is damn good at that! It's really seldom that I learn only one thing from the punishment.

Yesterday night, I got know that I'm scare about pain. Until lately I was sure that only thing I am scared of is myself. Today, I honestly can say that pain, which make me shiver definetly exist. I was terrible shocked when I saw a big smile on my Master's face when I said that. The smile of satisfaction! "Because the punishment should be a real punishment, not the pleasure"

Reportedly, the punishment in BDSM doesn't exist. And I agree with that. But does our relationship is still the pure BDSM or maybe it have evolved into the DD. Being together all the time generate main basic problem - in what way connect being a marriage and the D/s relation? And that's the place, where punishment have it's own place to be. Way to clear myself after doing something unpropriate? Communication? However I would call it - as far it works correctly.

Words...

We often say that words are not enough, that all what is important are acts, that only them can change antyhing.

Ok, but... In polish language we have many proverbs like "One 'sorry' changing everything" or "words hurt more than wound of knife".

Words... So they are matter or not? What about safe-word? Pretty important word :) What about "love"? What about your name engraved on your collar? What about "I'm proud"? Is it more important than i.e. look of recognition?

We - people - talk all the time. Talk a lot. Many time it's really out of sens and useless, but we're still talking :)

however - words can change everything. Single word can bring peace and relief. Even stupid joke can change atmosphere in room - and in which way it depends on the joke ;)

Ekhm... Did I have anything constructive to say? Nope... Not really. As summing-up I would say that the longer night is, the worse mornign comes...

Women's yoke :>

I don't like Saturdays. Sounds weird? Why I don't like Saturdays? I don't like them, because they are full of laziness - at least mine.

And what happens when I'm bored? I have headache, I'm dying of boredom, I'm non stop hungry. And where my pleasure from the weekend? But when they said to put women into the yoke, we were revolting against!

Maybe there is our place :> :P?

Cellulite

Sometimes I'm wondering what makes us - women - to take care about ourselfs? First though - who would said anything else - our own willingness, but... It doesn't work like that :-)

We're doing our best for men. Why women loose more weight when they fall in love and not when they realised that they're fat?

Because we want to be admired by men. Measure of our beauty is if guys looks at us. No matter what any woman would say, she will smile when a guy will hit a street lamp while he was looking at her.

In case of submissive it looks a bit different. It's more compulsory; But who is in front of submissive? Man! (I mean in particular case which I'm involved in)

Why I'm thinking of that? I do, because I noticed cellulite on my limb and I decided to remove it. I ordered some formula/cream and  for that, massager and yoke in which I'll make my husband break papules on my thigh.

The worst is that he's sadist and I already fell this "breaking";/ Eh, what I did for love... :P

About mug in bad size, and hands folded on the back.

Sometime I don't what I feel. At the moment I'm convinced about my submission and in the moment I'm so nervious and my submission splash. How to reconcile everyday life with amok, in which is sumbimissive?

What to do to don't think about next gesture...? I cannot find any happy medium.

I'm at one remove from declaration of love and for-ever fidelity to man, who only by his look is able to wrap me around his finger and make me strip naked in the middle of the street for him and on all fours march next to his feet. But what'll happend when everyday life will sneak into this magic?
A coffe in bad size of mug, fresh bread which run out and chronic no time...? Where in this mess is place for humble, lowered eyes, hands folded on the back and speechless prayer for his harsh mood....?

I've never could find a happy medium - and I suppose that's why I always said that BDSM in relationship (like a marriage) is impossible. It's always too much of it or it's being outcasted.

So, why I've believed that it IS possible? Why I've let myself for that faith? I still don't know it, and I don't want to know.

But I want to find the happy medium. I want my submission to be clear for him - always. Even when I hate when he touch my nipple in bad moment, even when I terrible angry with thing which I don't want to do right now. Even then I'm ready to take the risk...

But for how long? Untill the next mug in bad size? Untill the next run between one sensless aim to another? Is it what we need? Is it what we cannot live without?

Pride? Disappointment? Anger?

I fight with myself all the time - once I win, once loose but always... always is pretty tough. BDSM is a part of your life, where the trust is the most important. How many times, task which your Master gives you is based on selfcontrol or only on attitudes towards Him or the situation. Many times the result is known only for the submissive and Master has to trust that she's honest - no matter how good observator He would be.

And here the temptation comes. Say the truth and be punished in the worst way of all or maybe make your efforts look a bit better than they were at real, which make the punishment more bearable and make Master less angry. There are two ways. You also could do it in this way: with full self-criticism and consciousness of
consequences confess to everything.

In my opinion all depends on relations between Master and the submissive... If it's only about satisfying desires then it's useless to tell the truth if Master at the very moment need something else and He doesn't mind if she's honest or not. But if the relation is really deep and their aim is devotion and attachment then the choose is rather easy and clear.

Still, there is question that the clarity of the choose make the decision easier for submissive. It's natural that all of us trying to save our own skin and make the right decision in this kind of situation involves causing pain to herself. This statement might be too far, but I think it's true.
I definetly understand sumbimissive, who pretty often made the same mistake and confessed with begging for the punishment. They (including me) totally know that every single word brings pain while they think about the consequences. And first of all, the face of Master, who hear what stupid thing made his possession AGAIN. 

Yes... And after the longest prologue of all prologues we're coming to the heart of the matter. The most difficult is to control yourself. Control reactions of our body and organism. Furthermore, the more you're trying to control something the less it works. I'm sure I'm going to learn to control the pleasure my organism's giving to me. At least my Master is Master of my pleasure also... :) I'm learning it, no matter what! Why? Because I don't want to see angry eyes, when I'll confess AGAIN to that... Because... I don't want to be gnawed by guilt when it's happening... Because... I don't want to face the choose and it's consequences... Because... I don't want make him worry or put him off all this relation...

Because He is my Master... Because... I love Him with all my heart and soul...

Hopelessness

I think that I just find a place for moaning, I swear...

Yesterday night killed me, and kept me killed for half of today. And I
think I'm sick of today. My Master said that my reaction for his acting shocked him in negative way.

I hate the negative shocking. For heaven's sake, I always do my best!

When he didn't like the way I looked at him, he decided to punish me for that. Of course, it was something LIKE a punishment, because he spanked me and yanked at my hair - just for showing that he don't like what I did.

But what I did? Although I definetly had perfect mood for situation like that, I took it personally. Result? Huddled myself, biting my lips as long as the blood didn't come up. I said sorry, and hugged him. And that was it. Nothing more happend. But - what could. After that I lost all my mood for fun or playing. And also he - noticed my reacion.

When I relaxed that far I could explain him , why I reacted like that way, he said he was surprised by my reaction.

I know I replay that phrase so many times, but it touched me a lot.

He said, that in the past I would overthinking what the hell I had done wrong that my Master didn't like it and not that I was treated unfair. And he's right. I would do that...

Do I set too high standards after so long break? Or maybe my moaning taking over my submission? I don't know that. And I really don't like it.

Yesterday crying-night I consider closed, and morning words of my Master (let's try everything again since 18th November, 10:36 am?) as a... hm... grudge...

Yet he knows me! And he definetly knows that I'm trying to fix all it up for really long time. And that's why I feel down in the dumps today.

Because again it failed. Again flap. Failure... In every single issue, although I'm trying so hard...

I'm not the person who can loose.

I begin to believe in superstitions

As I don't believe in ANY superstition as last two days making me doubt about my conviction.

For last two weeks, day by day I've been working my arse off for my boss-exploiter and thanks to his trying I at least have two days off. During which I was waiting for any sign of BDSM in my life. At least.

Because many things came back enter me and my Intended, so I COULD wait for something.

But no... It would be much too beautifull.

Since yeasterday's evening rhytmical sniffling have brougth troubles. Aching in my bones make me think that nothing good coming to me.

And in that way, instead of enjoy spending time with my Master, I got into bed and fall asleep even before he came back from bathroom (but I can't say that falling asleep before his coming happening for the very first time :P)

Furthermore, although I took some meds for my sick, I don't feel better. What takes me even further from spending time on being boundaged, spanked or anything which I have in my head, while I'm thinking of time spended with him.

Of course, He could make me do things which He want me to, but we think it's not about that at all...

Recently I noticed some other aspects of BDSM-domestic. I saw it as affiliation submissive to her Master, where she should be ready no matter of circumstances, and He should allow her for any exception from her readiness very rarely.

Now I would explain it in another way. I can see word „relationship”, which shows me that this kind of being together it's not only sumbimissive who gives and Master who takes, but both should involve in, and do their best to make other person happy.

My seeing domination is evolving. At least ;)

Windsom become not only the one, who takes whatever and whenever he likes, and when he want to He's being fabvourable. Windsom become the Master, who respects that she's not able to do everything, she has problems, worse days; but He still can ignore it... But not because of his whim, but for her own good.